Happy to be here.
Welcome to the new allthingscandid.
If you knew me back in the day, you might remember my blog All Things Candid. It served as my excuse to attend and report back on all the shows, lectures, fitness classes, parties, books, parks — pretty much every fun event you can imagine as a twenty-something in New York City. But that was a long time ago, before I met my husband, moved to the ‘burbs and became a mama. Before grad school, before my career took off. Before my near-death experience. And now, dear reader, I have a hell of a lot more to say.
It’s always been a little strange to publicly shout into the void, but this Mothers’ Day (or is it Mother’s Day? had a healthy debate about this earlier) helped me take the plunge again. I have more to say than fits into an Instagram caption, and every time I tried to say it in a politely captioned manner, it feels like pants that shrank in the wash. So here we are.
My birthday is also coming up in a few days (two, to be exact) and in light of the hell I survived this last year, I’m feeling a lot of feelings about being a mother and being alive.
I’ll start with the mother part. I worked harder to become a mother than I’ve ever worked for anything. For years, I’ve been the “ones who want to be mothers” from the cartoon meme recognizing all kinds of mothers. Perils on my journey to become a mother almost killed me, and has made my family dreams impossibly difficult. More on that later if you stick around.
Anyway, today I couldn’t be more grateful. My son’s smile lights up my whole heart, my whole world. And unlike many previous holidays beholden to my naive perfectionism — just being with my little family this mothers’ day was perfect.
The boys took me back to the place that symbolized “we made it” in the aftermath of my hospital stay, the first time I was able to walk with my little family. We sat outside at our favorite creperie, walked in the sunshine and my son smiled. My poodle hopped into my lap during the car ride and I let him, because I’m just happy to be here. We made small talk with chatty strangers, because I’m just happy to be here. I ate a cheeseburger even though I ate a cheeseburger yesterday, because I’m just happy to be here. I imagine it feels a little like this for a soldier to hear his enemy retreat, battered and bruised, lay down his sword and try to catch his breath. Not like victory, just happy to be here.